Jiminy Christmas, the Moonstruck house is for sale

The problem with living in New York is that there’s an abundance of incredibly beautiful places to live all around you at all times, but they all cost as much as a seat on a Soyuz rocket to the International Space Station.

*Googles*

Okay, maybe not, but it may as well be that much when you’re a regular old working stiff, like the majority of the city’s residents. And now there’s a new rocket ship to ogle. According to Gothamist, 19 Cranberry Street in Brooklyn Heights has been listed for sale.

In all its four-story glory. Courtesy StreetEasy.

For anyone reading who is not a film buff or Italian or both, 19 Cranberry Street is the house from Moonstruck, the sublime 1987 comedy starring Cher and Nicolas Cage. In the movie, the house belongs to Cher’s character’s parents, and from what we see on screen, the place is gorgeous. Imagine owning multiple floors in New York City. Imagine owning a building. Imagine owning.

Sorry, got lost for a second there. But the building’s portrayal onscreen, beautiful though it is, did not adequately prepare me for the full details of what is contained within those brick walls. According to the listing, this puppy has four stories, five bedrooms, three and a half baths, a garden, gated parking, marble fireplace mantles, a gym, a wine cellar, a professional wood-burning oven, a “substantial” butler’s pantry, and it is furthermore described as stately and winsome! I’d just hope to god the kitchen looks the same as it did in the movie.

Do yourself a favor and check out the listing. Get lost in its hallways and staircases. Imagine yourself cooking on the “8-burner, 3-oven custom Lacanche range.” Envision yourself with a butler. Hell, envision yourself as a butler. I’d buttle the fuck out of this place if it meant I could spend an amount of time in it.

None of that will change the fact that I will never in my entire life, up to and including the moment I die, have enough money to afford a single room of this building, much less the whole stately thing. I’ll never be winsome.

Anybody want to go halvsies? Let’s be realistic. Four-hundredth-sies?

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