Someone please do this to my skeleton

This is me, currently.

My girlfriend and I have recently taken to watching videos of people restoring old things before bed. It started with knives, and has since made its way to old, rusty objects in general – largely old metal toys. The channels we enjoy feature no voiceover, or much sound at all, so they’re easy to fall asleep to. This is maybe a bad habit, but honestly it’s a pandemic and we sleep like babies so you do the math.

Last night, we found a video in which the object being restored was an old coin bank in the shape of a skeleton. It was very rusty and did not work. We can all relate. But the similarities do not end there! For it is now that I must remind you of the fact of which we were both suddenly made aware by the subject of this video: we’ve all got one of these things inside of us right now. They may not have a mouth for an eye, or eat coins through that eye-mouth (that we yet know of), but they’re in there getting a free ride all the same.

The video in question

Now, one of the recurring steps in these videos is sandblasting. This involves taking all the individual pieces of the skeleton or firetruck or antique cash register into a big box and shooting sand at it so hard through a tube that all the rust gets scared and runs away. It is always exactly the same, and it is always the best part of the video. It looks really satisfying to do, like a pressure washer but for time.

Folks, I don’t have to give you any more lead-in to what’s coming. All the pieces are here for you. It’s right there in the title. I’m here to confess to you that I want someone to unzip my skinsuit and blast away the cruft and crust that surely clings to my old, wet bones and give me back my youth. I am naught but 28 years old and already I crave such things. Surely, this process would be proceeded by some sort of Grandpa-Joe-esque musical number in which I engage in such strenuous activities as Standing and Sitting, but without the loud, concerning pops and crunches that now so often accompany them.

I guess the only thing left for me now is to make it my life’s work to seek out and attain this forbidden process. Is this what the dark web is for? Don’t answer, I’ll check Dark Google.

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